THE USELESS TIMES
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"All the news that's unfit to print"
EST. 2023 • VOL. 1, NO. 0 • TODAY'S EDITION: COMPLETELY POINTLESS
BREAKING Local man discovers that if he doesn't blink for 5 minutes, his eyes get dry. More at 11.
EXCLUSIVE By Reginald P. Nonsense • 14 minutes ago

Scientists Confirm: Left Socks Disappear 73% Faster Than Right Socks

Disappearing socks research

In a groundbreaking study that no one asked for, researchers at the Institute of Pointless Discoveries have determined that left socks vanish from dryers at a significantly higher rate than their right counterparts. "We're not sure why," admitted lead researcher Dr. Oliver Clothesoff. "But we spent $2.3 million finding out."

The study involved tracking 1,000 pairs of socks over six months. Results showed that while right socks disappeared at a rate of 12%, left socks vanished at an alarming 85% rate. "This changes everything," said Dr. Clothesoff, before realizing it actually changes nothing at all.

Filed under: SCIENCE, ABSURDITY 42 comments

OPINION

Why We Should Replace All Traffic Lights With Mimes

By Marcel Jester • 3 hours ago

In these divisive times, we need solutions that bring us together. My proposal: replace all traffic signals with professional mimes who will act out "stop," "go," and "caution" with exaggerated physical comedy...

The Case for Mandatory Napping During Work Hours

By Dr. Sleepy McResterson • 5 hours ago

Productivity would increase by at least 0% if we all took 3-hour naps in the afternoon. My research (conducted entirely while lying down) proves conclusively that no one actually works after 2pm anyway...

SPORTS

Rock Paper Scissors Championship
EXCLUSIVE By Chip Scoreboard • 1 hour ago

Professional Rock-Paper-Scissors League Rocked by Scissors-Gate Scandal

The World Rock Paper Scissors Federation has launched an investigation after reigning champion "Stone Cold" Eddie Hands was accused of using "slightly pointier than regulation" scissors during last weekend's championship match.

"This is a dark day for competitive RPS," said league commissioner Jack Enpulse. "The integrity of our sport depends on strictly standardized hand gestures."

Extreme Ironing Championships Postponed Due to Wrinkled Uniforms

2 hours ago

Competitive Sleeping: New Study Shows 98% of Participants Actually Just Asleep

4 hours ago

WEATHER

72°F
Mostly Confusing
Chance of meatballs: 40%
Mon
75°
Tue
68°
Wed
??°
Thu
∞°
Note: Our meteorologist is actually a golden retriever with a weather-themed bandana.

CRYPTO

New Cryptocurrency "WhyCoin" Plummets 99.9% After Founder Forgets Why He Created It

By Block Chainz • 7 hours ago

Investors were left holding the bag when WhyCoin creator Derek Shill admitted, "I honestly can't remember what problem this was supposed to solve." The coin's white paper reportedly just contained the word "because" repeated 12,000 times.

Man Spends Entire Life Savings on "Invisible NFT," Can't Prove He Owns It

9 hours ago

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